I'm not proud to say that after G. had his stroke, I spent three years taking care of him by myself. The last six months or so he was really confused and I couldn't leave him alone for a minute. Sometimes he would get angry and throw things when I couldn't understand what he wanted.

Everyone told me I was crazy, but I thought "for better or for worse" meant I had no choice.

My children were always after me to at least find a day care for him a couple of days a week. I asked him if he wanted to go, and he got really upset, so I didn't pursue it.

I just knew that he would hate having anyone else take care of him, and no one could do it as well as I can. After all, I'm his wife.

Once I tried hiring someone to come in, but she didn't know where anything was and I spent more time showing her how to do things than I would have spent doing it myself. So I let her go after a couple of days.

Last week I had a heart attack and bypass surgery. My children put G. in a nursing home because they couldn't take care of him, and I'm going to have to go to one too until I'm stronger.

I haven't been able to see him, and he can't talk on the phone. I hope they're being good to him.

I should have gone to the doctor when I first started feeling so tired, but there was never enough time and what was I supposed to do about G.? I couldn't ask my children to take off from work.

Anyway, I knew she would tell me to get more sleep and exercise, and to watch my diet, and all that stuff. I already knew all that. There just was never time for me to DO all that.

Well, I guess I have time now. I hope they'll let me go to the same place G. is.
 

Every now and then researchers come along and prove something that we've known all along.

It's happened again. There's research out there that proves the negative effect of stressful caregiving on the immune system.

During a 6-year period, researchers studied seniors caring for a spouse. These caregiving spouses showed a significant increase in a blood protein (interleukin-6) that regulates the immune system. Larger quantities of interleukin-6 have been linked to heart disease, some cancers, and a more intense reaction to some viruses.

Some caregivers eventually developed as much as four times the amount of IL-6 as non-caregivers

Even after the ill spouse passed away researchers found that the levels of IL-6 continued to rise for as long as 3 more years.

Although this particular study was confined to older caregivers, more research will most certainly prove that caregivers of any age can be negatively affected by the stress of continuous caregiving. If so, then it just confirms what we have always known: You can't do this alone, and the first and most important person you MUST care for is yourself.

Caregivers must be selfish.

The biggest complaint most caregivers have is that there is no time for self-care. There are only 24 hours in a day, and caregivers are using all 24 for caregiving.

In spite of that, the only way to be sure they will be around to keep caring - and to help insure that they won't end up needing care themselves - is to start a regular program of being "healthily selfish."

Take advantage of the resources that are available, even if they aren't perfect. What is? If your care recipient objects, stand firm. If you think the help you need is too costly, investigate alternatives. If you feel too overwhelmed to even begin looking, then make an appointment to talk to someone who has answers.

Above all, do something now, before you're too sick to be able to.

Get selfish - for their sake!