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Set Limits - Stay Sane
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Unless you're an expert at setting limits, working
full time, keeping your home from being overcome by sludge, and
raising a family can stretch even the strongest among us to the
brink. Add care of an aging parent or other relative into the mix
and you can soon find that you've fallen over the edge. The last
time I checked there were only 24 hours in a day, and each of us
could only be in one place at a time. Little wonder that we
sometimes get exhausted, angry, and depressed.
Parents learn early in the game that setting limits for their
children is necessary for everyone's sanity, and essential for the
development of the child. We don't carry a child when it is
capable of walking. We rejoice when she learns to feed herself,
but we don't let her determine the menu. When we need to get out
alone with our spouse or our friends, we hire a trustworthy
babysitter in spite of a child's protests.
Why, then, do we have such a hard time setting the same kind of
limits with our older family members?
Probably because deep inside we're still the "child," even if
we've taken over the duties and responsibilities of the adult. As
children, when we said "No" to a parent, or teacher, or to any
adult for that matter, the immediate response was disapproval or
even punishment. We learned that saying "No" was not acceptable.
We tend to take those lessons into adulthood without thinking
about them. Dad will always be Dad, whether he's 30 or 90. And
whether we're 20 or 60, we're Mom's child forever.
That's why it's so often hard to set limits with older family
members. And that's why it's so important that we do set limits as
early as possible. The longer we wait, the more difficult it
becomes.
Unless there has been an accident or a sudden illness, the amount
of time and energy you spend in elder caregiving will creep up
with time. As soon as you discover that you have become a
caregiver (it does take many people by surprise), make a few quiet
moments for yourself and do a realistic review of your daily work
load, the needs of your spouse and your children, and your own
personal needs.
Decide what you can honestly commit to doing, and what you cannot.
If there are things that need to be done that you aren't able to
do, this is the time to locate local resources (other family
members, paid, or volunteer) that can help. If you add these
resources to your caregiving team early on you won't alarm your
elder later when you've reached your limit and have to insist on
help.
You will hear people say, "Don't feel guilty about setting
limits," or "You shouldn't feel anxious about making your parent
'mad'."
Of course you will feel guilty. Of course you will feel anxious.
We're not "supposed" to say no to our parents, remember? That's
the child in us talking, and we all have that child inside in us
to some degree.
Just try to remember that if you haven't done anything wrong, then
there is nothing to feel guilty about. What you are actually
feeling is probably more a combination of anxiety about setting
limits and frustration that you aren't superhuman and therefore
you must set limits.
If your "guilt" and anxiety are such that you find yourself
backsliding, visit a caregiver's group where you will find real
understanding and support. It can make all the difference in how
well you stick to your plan, and how healthy you will remain on
the long caregiving road ahead.
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